(an act of vulnerability... but I did correct some spelling errors.)
Writing from a part of my heart rather then my head.
It feels like a piece separate from the rest.
She can see the rest. She knows it is there. Wants to be a part of The Whole.
Sometimes, on the good and optimistic days, she thinks she might already be part of one.
On those good days, in those optimistic times, she can see she has always been and always will be a vital cog in the machine she calls "The Whole." Without her there would be no heart at all. There would just be floating parts. Without her it would all collapse.
But during the other times, such disconnect, as if she was never meant to find The Whole. She is a portion destined to only seek a place to belong, never finding her desire. A piece that should give up looking for her place in The Rest because it is not in the stars for her. That is meant for others.
She spends so much time looking for the rest of herself,
and it's right in front of her eyes.
The Whole is already connected to her.
In the times that she can see the entire picture, she sees the other parts. She is not quite sure of some of them. Not understanding it scares her, and so she rejects all of it again. Going back to her habit of looking, looking, looking to fill in somewhere else.
Anywhere but here.
But she knows it is a fruitless search. Pointless. She is too connected.
Then, like magic, she realizes she cannot live without The Rest. It has been uplifting her the entire time. Supporting her search. Supporting her process. Allowing her to learn & grow. Letting her discover in love.
So she must make a decision. A crucial choice that will affect life to come.
To allow or not allow herself to connect to The Rest.
Truly connect. She is already there physically, but does she want to turn herself over completely in love and trust? To give herself emotionally and spiritually? To intertwine with The Rest? Does that mean giving up her individuality? Does she have to make the choice to lose her individuality? Is there such a thing? Is it all made up?
Perhaps letting go with trust & love will bring
solace & teamwork,
joy & comfort,
completeness & home.
Maybe she isn't actually giving up anything at all but rather gaining everything.
That's her answer.
She knows it is.
She realizes she made her decision the moment she understood there was a decision to be made.
She can do it now. Like a Trust Fall.
Lifting the invisible walls she put in place for protection. She sees the rest more clearly now. And it looks so much like her. She wonders if there are other beautiful parts that are hiding behind barriers. Wonders if they will join them. She's curious if she can help.
Allowing herself to become part of the whole. Feeling peace and ease as she settles and allowing herself to melt into the whole and yet still managing to remain herself. She knows the joining will permit her to function in her true potential. She is making The Rest even better than before.
She feels kindness, love, & trust.
She feels relief.
She feels freedom.
And she's just getting started.