Welcome to my most vulnerable post ever...

One year ago, this is what I wrote in my journal.

From my heart...

My heart is feeling much more hopeful today. The part that speaks out now is the part craving balance. She feels so much and SO deeply. She is grateful to feel She is happy to have the awareness. 

But the extremes... they are so exhausting. She didn't do much work in life up until now. The WHOLE chose to suppress feelings. Being upset was not okay. Sadness was wrong. Anger? Good luck. Happiness was tolerated as long as it was portrayed "correctly". 

This part of my heart lived  25 years of life under some serious regulations based on suppression, oppression, and dissociation. The WHOLE was doing what it could to keep protected.

One day the WHOLE decided that it might be safe to feel.  There may be negativity but maybe the positive could blow all the rest away. 

The WHOLE decided it could be worth it. And suddenly this part was up to bat. With no practice or ideas on how to regulate, interpret, and filter all of the incoming... she stopped trying and just let it be. 

Flooded with images and stories of hatred, murder, slavery... she would cry for hours in hopeless desperation. 

Flooded with joy, laughter, trust, and unconditional love she would laugh until it hurt and cry happy tears at the beauty. 

If there was nothing flooding in, she felt stagnant and numb. She'd search to find the extreme because she was finally allowed to feel!! 

It became exhausting to the WHOLE.

This part of my heart has allowed the floodgates to be removed and now it's time for self care supported by the WHOLE. 

I am asking her to refrain from viewing disturbing images, stories, and articles that may cause her overwhelm. 

I am asking her to spread the happiness out so that she can fully enjoy the realness of it. 

I'm asking her to take in information as it is, simply information, rather than a stimulus to react to.

I'm asking her to choose topics that necessitate reaction. 

She is very skilled at doing this with the BIG things that occur in life. And the WHOLE acknowledges her skill and her strength. 

I support this part of my heart in applying this already developed strength to the whole picture. 

Feeling is amazing. 

And balance is an amazing feeling.  

Comment